1.“Zebras don’t marry giraffes.”

If your ex was, for example, a heavy drinker and frequent partier and your argument for custody is based solely on that characterization, the judge will be looking at you with the same lens. Teetotalers tend not to procreate with alcoholics. Yes, it’s possible that you found sobriety, which was the cause of the divorce, and yes, it’s possible that a parent’s drinking can bring harm to the child. However, be careful what allegations you level at your ex and the potential for blow back. You may leave the judge wondering what shared interests attracted you to your ex in the first place. If you argue that your ex is a convicted felon—and was prior to the birth of your child—your accusation may call your own judgment into question.

2.“Well, you picked him.”

As attorneys will frequently remind clients in response to irate complaints about their crazy ex: “Well, you picked them.”Your judge is thinking it too, especially if you chose to have a second, third or fourth baby with this crazy person. The judge may perceive you and your ex as two birds of the same crazy feather.

It’s understandable that you may have a child with someone whom you’ll later identify as unreasonable. But it’s not understandable if you persist in the relationship or have more children with that person. If you are someone who will continue to build a family with a partner who is unreasonable or chaotic, then you too may be unreasonable and chaotic, which will not help your case if you are pointing fingers at your ex on this front.

Your choice to stay—let alone continue to procreate—with that level of crazy reveals that your judgment might not be the best. Be careful with your use of hyperbole and with attempts to assassinate your ex’s character.

3.“What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.”

Did you interfere with the mother’s visitation, and now you’re asking for more time through a change to the time sharing agreement? Were you chronically late with agreed-upon drop-offs, and now you’re angry about the mother’s proposed vacation in two months with the kids? Did you hide a bank account in your financial disclosure, but now you’re contesting the child support award? In other words, did you choose to disregard the authority of the court, only to ask for the court to use its authority when it suited you?

The judge knows when you’re appearing before the court with “dirty hands.”The judge will examine your record of cooperation with custody orders, visitation hand-offs, parenting classes, etc. The court will take into consideration your overall record of cooperation, including your disclosure of financial documents in a timely manner.

You don’t know what the future may hold that could affect your visitation schedule or support amount. The pandemic showed us how quickly “normal” can be turned on its head. It is in your best interest to maintain a record of cooperation with your ex to show deference to the court’s orders and to show that you prioritize the children’s welfare. When you do need to appear before the judge, your history will show your record of being compliant with the status quo and acting in the best interests of the children.

4.“An arrow lodged at your ex will land in the heart of your child.”

Your time before the judge is limited. You are appearing with the goal of persuading the court to do something for you. Show the judge that your priorities are in alignment with solid parenting and with Florida family law: the best interest of the child comes first.

If you fixate on showing the judge how awful your ex is, not only are you wasting your time and the judge’s time, but you are losing track of priorities for your hearing and your future with your family.

Florida law requires parents to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship with one another. Yes, your ex did you dirty. Yes, your ex turned out not to be such a great person, and you have regrets. Consequently, your anger may be entirely appropriate and justified, but be careful where you vent.

Your family judge will most often distinguish the way you treat your children from the way you treat one another. You don’t get back lost years, but you can miss future years by displaying bad behavior before the judge. When you make revenge a priority, you are ripping on the mother of your children and impairing their healthy future. If the judge thinks you hate your ex more than you love your children, your outcome may be ugly.

Think before you act or speak: “Am I showing that I prioritize the stability, safety, health and development of my children, or am I showing my need to be right?” When you do not put the children’s interests first, the judge notices.