Your Spouse just Asked for a Divorce. What to Do NOW
DADvocacy™ | August 30, 2023An “Emergency Room” for Your Marriage
Your spouse has done the unthinkable by uttering the word “divorce.”
At this moment, you need the equivalent of an Emergency Room for your relationship. The shock is too new to approach a divorce attorney, as you don’t know where you stand emotionally or what issues are driving the conflict between you and your spouse.
One thing is clear: you need help right now. Perhaps with an intervention now, you can avoid separation and/or divorce.
There are always the services of a psychiatrist, psychologist or licensed social worker to help you navigate rough waters. But if you are looking for alternatives that are more along the lines of guided self-help, we have some suggestions.
DADvocacy™ would like to introduce you to three online businesses that offer the equivalent of medical “triage” services for your marriage. Each of the three businesses below offers a different approach and targets a different demographic; in other words, these consultants are not one-size-fits-all.
WHAT IS IT: In his own words, Brad has worked with thousands of men and women around the world, “helping to reverse breakups, stop divorce, and mend broken relationships.” Brad’s business targets a younger demographic who is tech savvy and social media friendly. His work is predicated on a quick, codified process.
FOCUS AREA: Brad focuses on fixing heartbreak through changing behaviors and building self-confidence that allows partners to overcome real or perceived rejection and the resulting feelings of helplessness and resentment.
OF NOTE: Interestingly, for some clients, Brad recommends instituting a 30-day no-contact rule, which can be modified for people with children. The no-contact rule encompasses face-to-face interaction as well as texting and communications through social media. The exception to the rule includes contact about essential practical issues, such as retrieving medication from the home or grabbing a forgotten key.
HOW IT WORKS: Brad offers a series of YouTube videos that you can watch on your phone, which makes delivery of his service quick, easy and available on your time-table. His entire program is mobile-friendly for any computer, tablet, or phone. In addition, Brad offers one-on-one email coaching at a flat rate or coaching on the phone for an hourly rate.
The Ex Factor, Brad’s guide, has a version for women and a version for men. This “program includes an extensive e-book (PDF file format), an audio course (streamed online or downloadable in MP3 download), a video series (streamed online or downloadable), several bonus e-books (PDF file format), and extensive FAQ’s.”
Yes, there is some gimmicky, manipulative advice, such as “How to Make Your Ex Miss You”; however, this video is a good example of his approach that relies on concrete examples and direct, behaviorally-focused advice.
WHAT IS IT: Another option is Mort Fertel, who created the Marriage Fitness program, which he advertises as an alternative to counseling at a time of crisis.
FOCUS AREA: Mort’s work is geared toward an older crowd who have been in a long-term marriage and who likely have grown children. Unlike Brad above, Mort’s way is a low-tech approach and never asks you to observe a no-contact rule.
OF NOTE: Mort offers hope through a program called “The Lone Ranger Track,” for dealing with a stubborn, disconnected partner. Mort heavily relies on the work of John Gottman’s study of how a couple’s behaviors toward each other can accurately predict the marriage’s longevity.
In particular, John Gottman identified four behaviors that erode any relationship. He called them the “Four Horsemen,” as the appearance of these behaviors together can indicate the coming of the end. In a relationship, these Four Horsemen are:
- Criticism,
- Contempt,
- Defensiveness, and
- Stonewalling
Mort also addresses these behaviors with strategies for how to overcome them.
HOW IT WORKS: Mort addresses specific scenarios, such as affairs and healing broken trust. Mort tackles concerns about changing who your partner is. His Online Boot Camp boasts a 90% success rate, but he offers other packages to deal with a relationship in tatters.
WHAT IS IT: Laura Doyle created a program for women only. She derived her program, “The Ridiculous Happy Wife,” from her book, The Surrendered Wife. Laura now offers The Adored Wife Roadmap. At first blush, you might find the wording or idea sexist, but hang in there: Laura acknowledges potentially gender-based and/or sex-based differences while emphasizing that if a woman is not happy with her male partner, she should not engage his problematic behaviors. She doesn’t have to fix anything, including him and his behavior. Laura focuses on what women can control.
FOCUS AREA: Laura preaches good boundaries between the couple – despite the potentially inflammatory title of her book. She maintains that all men have an “inner caveman,” and that they are going to let it out inevitably in the marriage. But women can choose not to participate in the problem.
If, for example, he makes a mess all over the living room floor, the wife doesn’t have to clean the mess. Leave it, Laura says. The wife can exit the room and use that time to focus on self-care that makes her happy. If he comes home from work and is antisocial or grumpy, the wife can choose not to engage and not to waste energy on changing the direction of his energy. Instead, she can do her own thing. The premise is solidly rooted in self-care while letting the husband be his unedited self.
OF NOTE: Laura’s advice: don’t micromanage him. Let him show his own authority and his own strength by letting him clean the mess and leaving the kids with him, trusting and insisting that he will figure it out how to care for them on his own. Her second book, The Empowered Wife, took a more explicit approach along these lines.
HOW IT WORKS: She offers unlimited group coaching calls Monday through Friday a few times a week. There are different packages available that you can add onto or customize.
CONCLUSION
There is a price tag to these services. But they are all cheaper than a divorce lawyer.
For all of these programs, sample the free tools before you fork over your money.
These items are offered as the equivalent of a marital Emergency Room. Think of them as a way to triage your relationship when your spouse has just said to you, “I want to divorce,” or when your spouse has not come home.
These programs are highlighted by DADvocacy™ because they have been widely reviewed and have been used by a number of people. DADvocacy™ has not been paid for these reviews.
Warning: All posts on this website and partner website, JustPrenups.com, contain general information about legal matters for broad educational purposes only. The information is not legal advice and should not be treated as such. This blog post does not create any attorney-client relationship between the reader and the DADvocacy™ Law Firm.
